The Fireplace Records, Chapter 37
Waiting for the Master
Act 1
[Philosopher Coyote and Reverent Hound Dog are sitting under some huge redwood trees along the Eel River by the bridge near Pepperwood. It was cold. They were shivering. They were hungry.]
Philosopher Coyote: When do you expect Master Goose to arrive here today?
Reverent Hound Dog: I’m not exactly sure. He is traveling with two monks from Riverdale, about 10 miles down river. I’m sure the going is rough. It has been very foggy, quite cold, and drizzling all morning. Are you not both wet and cold Coyote?
Coyote: Inconvenience and discomfort is a small price to pay for meeting Grand Master Goose. Besides, don’t Zen Masters keep you waiting; sometimes for many years?
Hound Dog: Indeed, they can be annoying when wasting your time. I’m tired of waiting for Master Goose. He could fly here so quickly if not for his two slow moving attendant monks. One is a three legged dog, you know. Goose sometimes tries to help him. Both monks are dedicated to him. Master Goose normally leads a squadron of noisy geese, flying South at this time of year. He should just leave that lumbering dog behind.
Coyote: You are not very charitable, Reverend Dog. You are too impatient.
Hound Dog: And, you are too fickle, Coyote. Never steadfast and demanding.
Coyote: Really? Actually, I am flexible [He laughs]
[Coyote barked and Hound Dog howled. Coyote licked his crotch, and Hound Dog scratched his ribs. Then Coyote and Hound Dog curled up close together, fur raised, trying to stay warm and dry. The tree cover and the thick floor of redwood needles helped them keep warmer. They waited, uneasy, for Master Goose. They slowly feel asleep, dreaming of pranksters and penitents.]
Act 2
Coyote: Dog, wake up! I hear them coming over the bridge to meet us. Let’s go!
[Both Coyote and Dog were very hungry, feeling the pangs of starvation.]
[Grand Master Goose was big and loud. His donkey, led by a rope, carried packs and bags of camping gear and food. His devoted dog limped along. They all looked tired.]
Coyote: Welcome, Master Goose. We have been waiting many hours for you to arrive. Where are you going?
Goose: We are going to the Ten Thousand Buddhas Monastery in Wherever Valley. It is a three day hike from the Riverdale Zen Temple.
[Master Goose seemed very annoyed by something Donkey had asked previously, and by some answer servant Dog had given previously. He was upset with his students. He suddenly bit donkey on the hind shin and bit Servant Dog on the hip. He scolded and threatened them as only a aggressive goose can do. The donkey brayed and the dog squealed in pain.]
Goose: Lazy monks! Dumb and slow. Never understanding the True Way or the Single Point. Lost in delusions, confusions, and misguided resolutions.
[Shocked!–– Coyote barked and Hound Dog howled. Everyone appeared shaken.]
Reverend Dog: You seem very impatient, quarrelsome, and violent Master Goose. Do these teaching methods really help your dedicated students? How many of your monks have attained enlightenment and received certification in your long career as an Abbot?
Master Goose: I have certified three enlightened ones. I have hundreds of students. What right or qualifications do you have to judge me so? You’re just another Christian sheep herder, quoting scriptures, babbling about petty morals, and always arguing and oppressing other religious views.
Reverend Dog: [Annoyed] I was simply commenting on your teaching methods.
Coyote Philosopher: [Also annoyed by Goose] We waited so as to meet an esteemed Master who could impart a few gems of wisdom to us. Can you?
Master Goose: Wisdom? I teach the doctrine of No-Mind, beyond philosophers endless prattle, looking directly into the heart of being, beyond words, embracing emptiness. You philosophers are muddle minded wordsmiths.
Coyote Philosopher: [Looking perplexed] Then, instead sir, could you give us a koan?
Master Goose: Why did the Bodhisattva Bodhidharma travel South to Wherever Valley?
Reverend Dog: To hear the sound of one hand clapping in the moonlight?
Master Goose: You’re a fool! Go sit and meditate in a cave for seven years! Your wasting my time.
Servant Donkey: Master Goose, don’t be so haughty and rude towards these friendly inquirers.
Master Goose: [Jerking hard on the rope over Donkey’s neck.] Shut up! Don’t question me! Silence, or I will give you thirty blows with a stick.
[Master Goose, furious, bit Donkey on his hind leg again. Donkey, in a reflex response, kicked his hind leg back and accidentally struck Goose in the head. Goose died instantly!]
Servant Donkey: Oh! No!! I did not mean to hit him. I’m so sorry! Is he really dead?
Coyote: Yes, Goose is dead! Not breathing! Bloodied head!
Servants Donkey and Dog: Oh, No! No! This can't be so. Terrible!
Act 3
[All four, still shocked by the recent events, stood around the corpse of the goose. Donkey is most upset and is shaking.]
Hound Dog: Since the death of Goose was purely accidental, I think we all need to give the same story to others as to what happened.
Coyote: I agree! How about we all agree to say that Goose was killed and eaten by a cougar near the Pepperwood bridge.
Three-Legged Dog: That is a good idea.
Hound Dog: Yes!. I think that Dog and Donkey should leave now and travel back to Riverdale to tell Master Goose’s pupils the the Master was eaten by a cougar. Coyote and I will bury Goose’s remains.
Coyote: Let me remove that rope from your neck, Donkey. It might trip you up.
[All nod in agreement. Donkey and Dog slowly walk off and disappear from view. As Donkey leaves, a canvas box falls off of his back.]
Hound Dog: Where shall we bury the goose's body?
Coyote: What is in that box, Hound Dog? Maybe there is some beef jerky or dried fruit in the box. Let's look!
[Both Coyote and Hound Dog scratch and pull on the canvas box until it springs open. They rummage through the contents.]
Hound Dog: I see a rumpled hat and a leather whip.
Coyote: Here are some dirty clothes, a pair of boots, and about three pounds of Humboldt cannabis.
Hound Dog: Some Sutra books and the Discourses of Epictetus. Damn, no food to eat in here.
Philosopher Coyote: Oh, well, we tried. I think burying this dead goose is wasteful. I think we, like a hungry cougar, should eat this fine dead goose. I’m terribly hungry. What do you think, Hound Dog?
Reverend Hound Dog: Indeed, a good way to show our proper respects to Master Goose for all he has now given to us. Before, he seemed a bit rude and stingy with sharing wisdom, if indeed he really had any at all. But, yes, goose flesh is a worthy offer to us. If I can eat and drink the body and blood every week of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ; then, I can easily eat a fine freshly killed goose when I am hungry.
Coyote: I interpret our actions in more pragmatic terms. However, I will thank the gods for a much needed meal. Waiting for Master Goose turned out to be rather worthwhile for us after all.
Reverend Hound Dog: You sometimes speak the truth, Coyote. However, you still will end up in Hell, or reborn as a mangy fox spirit.
Philosopher Coyote: Hell is listening to somebody who is not worth listening to; or, waiting for somebody who is not worth waiting for. Let's eat!
[Both begin to devour the dead goose.]
Curtain
[We hear Coyote barking and Hound Dog howling.]
The End
Comments, Sources, Observations, Koans, Poems, Quips:
Hunger is the first step up on the ladder of spiritual needs.
Live by the bite, die by the kick.
Don't wait for somebody who will never appear.
Don't be a slave led on the rope of ignorant worship.
"Masters" might be fakers, frauds, and full of crazy mind.
Blame it on the cougar.
Allegories strain our imagination; talking coyotes - humbug.
Everything in some way gets eaten up some day.
Dead things give birth to the living.
Waiting for Godot. Samuel Beckett. 1955.
Zen Master Raven. Robert Aitken. 2002.
Refer to my Cloud Hands Blog Posts on the topic of Koans/Stories.
Subject Index to 1,975 Zen Buddhist Koans
Zen Buddhist Koans: Indexes, Bibliography, Commentary, Information
Pulling Onions Over 1,043 One-line Sayings, Quips, Maxims, Humor
Chinese Chan Buddhist and Taoist Stories and Koans
The Fireplace Records (Blog Version) By Michael P. Garofalo
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