What the Crap?

Shoveling Some Compost Crap

By Mike Garofalo

Back in the Spring of 2007, I was working in my large garden in the Sacramento Valley. I was shoveling and spading compost, sand, straw, and manure into my clay soil. That got me tp thinking about how gardeners have fertilized for centuries before commercial phosphate fertilizers. I did some research in my many home library gardening books, and I searched the Internet for more information. I learned that the Chinese have been using human and animal nitrogenous wastes, yes Shit, as one element in their creation of good compost for forty centuries. I then created an informative webpage on Fertilizer practices, and then a humorous poem on the subject that I posted to my Cloud Hands Blog in 2007.

So, this poem I will read tonight from 2007 is just some Old Shit.

However, if you've never heard it before, it's some fresh New Shit at your door.

This poems title is: Shoveling Some Compost Crap.

 

Gardeners know all about bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
They might be lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, or have shit for brains;
but they shovel crappy compost shit for tasty beans anyway.

They know that some nights are colder than shit,
and some days are hotter than shit,
and other days are just plain shitty,
other crappy days get in the way,
but they step in the shit anyway.

Gardeners all throw composted crap
or sling shit, shoot the shit, occasionally catch some shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.

Now, I recommend, that You had better give a shit,
and get your shit together;
or you will find yourself in deep shit,
smelling like shit,
treated like shit,
and end up being shit out of luck.

I felt crappy today,
nobody gives a shit anyway;
we all have too damn much crap to do,
plus picking up the shit from our human zoo.

Once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else,
and you'll be has happy as a pig in shit;
if you don't know your crap, you'll be told to shit or get off the pot,
told that you don't know the difference between shit and shine'ola,
served shit on a shingle,
get a ripped off by a crappy deal,
told your ideas arn't worth a shit.

If you can't shit or pee
your in deep shit
dying from a shitty disease,
that won't scare the crap out of you.
Damnit! Damnit! Shit!

You can smoke some shit,
drink until your shit faced,
buy some more shit,
feel like shit,
look like shit,
and find yourself in a boat load or mountain of shit.

Crap! You can have too much shit,
not enough shit, the right shit,
the wrong shit,
or a lot of weird shit.

In summary: Shit Happens! Please!

Fertilizer: Quotes, Sayings, Jokes

Poetry by Mike Garofalo
25 Steps and Beyond

 

 

Aging and Humor

 Old Age . . .

 

"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde 

 

"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers 

 

"We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis 

 

"Old age comes at a bad time." – Sam Banducci “

 

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yay

 

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir 

 

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain 

 

"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson 

 

"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller 

 

"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns 

 

"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner 

 

"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." 

Leo Rosenberg

 

"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns  

 

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us…at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers 

 

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom 

 

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino 

 

"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope 

 

"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." -Conan O’Brien

 

"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain 

 

"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu

727 Riddles, Puns, Brain Teasers, Corny Jokes, Quips, Humor

  

727 Riddles, Corny Jokes, Witticisms, Brain Teasers


Riddles, Puzzles, Paradoxes, Humor

Curious Questions, Brain-Teasers

Koans, Quizzers, Jokes, Nonsense

Knock Knock Jokes, Corny Jokes

Spoonerisms, Clever Statements

Cliches, Bad Jokes, Quips, Puns

Fallacies, Witticisms, Definitions

Discordian Statements

727 Quotations

Compiled by Michael P. Garofalo

727 Riddles, Corny Jokes, Witticisms, Puns, Brain Teasers

No Advertising, No Pop-Up Ads, No Boxed Ads!

No Cookie Requests, No Videos, No Commercials!

727 Riddles, Corny Jokes, Witticisms, Brain Teasers

Pulling Onions Again 2025

 

Pulling Onions
By Mike Garofalo

Old Age - Quotations

 Old Age . . .

 "To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde 

 

"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers 

 

"We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis 

 

"Old age comes at a bad time." – Sam Banducci “

 

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yay

 

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir 

 

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain 

 

"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson 

 

"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller 

 

"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns 

 

"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner 

 

"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." 

Leo Rosenberg

 

"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns  

 

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us…at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers 

 

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom 

 

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino 

 

"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope 

 

"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." -Conan O’Brien

 

"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain 

 

"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu

...

636 Riddles, Jokes, Witticisms, Brain Teasers, Humor, Bad Jokes

 

636 Riddles, Corny Jokes, Witticisms, Brain Teasers


Riddles, Puzzles, Paradoxes, Humor

Curious Questions, Brain-Teasers

Koans, Quizzers, Jokes, Nonsense

Knock Knock Jokes, Corny Jokes

Spoonerisms, Clever Statements

Cliches, Bad Jokes, Quips, Puns

Fallacies, Witticisms, Definitions

636 Quotations

Compiled by Michael P. Garofalo

636 Riddles, Corny Jokes, Witticisms, Brain Teasers

No Advertising, No Pop-Up Ads, No Boxed Ads!

No Cookie Requests, No Videos, No Commercials!

636 Riddles, Corny Jokes, Witticisms, Brain Teasers

350+ Riddles, Puzzles, Brain Teasers, Knock Knocks, Corny Jokes.

 

350+ Riddles

Riddles, Puzzles, Paradoxes, Humor
Curious Questions, Brain-Teasers
Koans, Quizzers, Jokes, Nonsense
Knock Knock Jokes, Corny Jokes
350+ Riddles

Compiled by Michael P. Garofalo

 

Gardening Jokes, Humor, Riddles, Puns, Quips

Zen Koans

Pulling Onions: Over 1,000 Maxims, Quips, One-Liners

Cloud Hands Blog

Cliches

Haiku

350+ Riddles

Falling on Deaf Ears

 The Fireplace Records, Chapter 12

Falling on Deaf Ears

 "Mulla Nasreddin was at the teahouse one afternoon when Arif the Hakim Doctor walked in. “How are you, Mullah? I hope you and your family are well,” Arif asked politely. 

“I’m fine, thanks, Arif, but I’m worried about my wife, who seems to have become very hard of hearing. Is there any cure for her problem?” asked Nasreddin.

“Well, some degree of age-related hearing loss is normal,” Arif said. “If you bring your wife to my dispensary, I can check her hearing and prescribe the necessary treatment. But before you do that, you can try this simple test. When you go home this evening, call out to your wife from the gate and see if she hears you. If not, then try speaking to her from the front door and keep reducing the distance until she responds. This way you will be able to gauge how serious her hearing deficiency is.”

Nasreddin thanked the doctor for the free medical advice and headed home. Calling out to Fatima from the gate in the front yard, Nasreddin said loudly: “I’m home, dear. What are we having for dinner?”

 Getting no reply, Nasreddin opened the front door and yelled: “I’m home, dear. What are we having for dinner?”

 Still getting no response, Nasreddin pushed open the kitchen door and repeated loudly: “What’s for dinner, dear?”

Fatima, who was stirring a large pot on the stove, turned to face her husband. “Are you deaf, Nasreddin?” she said angrily, wiping her hands on her apron. “For the third and last time, I repeat: we are having fish stew and pilaf, followed by apricot halva for dessert. And, Nasreddin, please get me some more kindling for the kitchen stove fire.”

Mulla Nasreddin could not hear her very well.  He had a sudden insight.    

My teacher said, "Mulla Nasreddin is often portrayed as a gentle dimwit.  His little tales intrigue us with humor, cleverness, stupidity, and puzzling remarks. Many Zen Koans seem rather dumb, nonsensical, puzzling, and illogical, but seldom as off base as the crazy wisdom of Nasreddin." 

A Student's Considerations:

Look into your own skills and limitations first.
Hearing and listening are not the same.
Get closer and speak softly.  Don't yell so often.
Listen to yourself talking more carefully.
Think and reason before making a judgment.
Ride a donkey or horse--- or walk.
What's with that big hat on Mulla Nasreddin's head?

 

 Related Links, Resources, References

Mulla Nasreddin (1208-1285) 

The World of Mulla Nasreddin. Translated with commentary by Idries Shah. Kindle Scribe, 2020, 493 pages. VSCL, Kindle E Book.

Refer to my Cloud Hands Blog Posts on the topic of Koans/Dialogues.

The Daodejing by Laozi    Best? 

Pulling Onions  Over 1,043 One-line Sayings by Mike Garofalo

Chinese Chan Buddhist and Taoist Stories and Koans

Taoism

Buddhism

Fireplaces, Stoves, Campfires, Kitchens, Pots, Firewood

Chinese Art

Tai Chi Chuan and Qigong

Meditation Methods

Zen Koan Books I Use

Song Dynasty, China, 960-1279  

Koan Database Project

Brief Spiritual Stories, Dialogues, and Encounters
Zen Buddhist Koan Collections
Bibliography, Quotations, Indexing, Notes, Resources
Research by Michael P. Garofalo

The Fireplace Records By Michael P. Garofalo

What Runs But Never Gets Tired?

The annual average rainfall (AAR) in the different places I have lived is of note for me:

1946-1967  Unincorporated East Los Angeles, Bandini Neighborhood/Varrio,
                  City of Commerce, Southern California   AAR = 15”
1948-1958  Karen grew up in Alexandria, Central Indiana   AAR = 42"
1969-1973  Biloxi, Mississippi   AAR = 65”
1973-1983  Bell Gardens, Southern California   AAR =  15”
1983-1998  Hacienda Heights, California   AAR = 15”
1998-2017  Red Bluff, Northern California   AAR = 25”
2017–         Vancouver, Southwestern Washington, Northwest USA  AAR = 42”


Vancouver, Washington, is rated as USDA Agricultural Zone 8B.

Zone 8b means that the average minimum winter temperature is 15 to 20 °F. 


"Ancient traditions have long associated holy wells and springs as very special places of the Goddess or anima mundi: symbolic of the Great Mother and associated with birth, the feminine principle, the universal womb, the prima materia, the waters of fertility and refreshment and the fountain of life. The dreaming sites, as they are called, have also been associated with visions, healing, and other paranormal experiences. In ancient Greece, for example, there were more than three-hundred medical centers placed at water sources, where patients experienced healing."
- Christopher and Tricia McDowell, The Sanctuary Garden, 1998, p. 62

"Day after day we looked for rain, and day after day we saw nothing but the sun. Lavender that we had planted in the spring died. The patch of grass in front of the house abandoned its ambitions to become a lawn and turned into the dirty yellow of poor straw. The earth shrank, revealing its knuckles and bones, rocks and roots that had been invisible before."
-  Peter Mayle

Water and Rain: Quotations, Sayings, Thoughts

What runs but never gets tired?
Water

"Water is the driver of Nature."
- Leonardo da Vinci

Interstate 5 Highway Bridge from Vancouver, Washington to Portland, Oregon.  

This bridge crosses the Columbia River.  

Columbia River Valley

Mt. Hood and Hood River Valley, Oregon
The Hood River flows into the Columbia River.

Astoria, Oregon, where the Columbia River meets the Pacific Ocean.

Pulling Onions by Mike Garofalo

Here are a few selections from a collection of 1,043 one-liners (i.e., quips, quotes, aphorisms, jokes, observations, etc.) from Pulling Onions by Michael P. Garofalo:

Mother Nature is always pregnant. 
Time creeps, walks, runs and flies - it is all about moving things. 
Chaos breaks its own rules to allow Order to play. 
Dogmatists are less useful than dogs. 
Take life with a grain of salt, and a icy margarita. 
The best things in life are more expensive than you think. 
Rather than "love mankind," I'd rather admire a few good people. 
Some flourish when crowded together, others don't. 
Garbage In, Compost Out. 
It is more about You and Now, rather than Them and Back Then. 
Hunting for tomato worms- no mercy. 
A pocket knife will be its dullest at just the right time. 
While gardening the borders between work and play become blurred.
When gardening, look up more often.
Just the right words can be worth more than a thousand pictures. 
Death's door is always unlocked. 
A flower needs roots; beauty a society of minds. 
A callused palm and dirty fingernails precede a Green Thumb. 
A working hypothesis is far better than a belief. 
Only two percent of all insects are harmful.  Why are they all in my garden? 
Create your own garden, the god's certainly won't. 
That something is eternal is unverifiable. 
Most laws of Gardening are merely local ordinances. 
Failures, disorder and death are the Grim Reaper of Entropy at work. 
Somehow, someway, everything gets eaten up, someday. 
The meaning is lost in the saying - a nature mystic's dilemma. 
Vigorous gardening might help more than a psychiatrist's couch. 
A gardener is no farmer, he is much too impractical. 
No garden lasts for long - neither will you. 
Shade, in the summer, is as precious as a glass of water. 
A wise gardener knows when to stop. 
Gardens are demanding pets. 
Unclench your fist to give a hand. 
The little choices day after day are the biggest issue. 
Gardening is but one battle against Chaos. 
When life gives you onions, you ain't making lemonade. 
Many friendships are sustained by a mutual hatred of another person or group.
Read until you go to seed. 
Death's door is always unlocked. 
Autumn Yellow, the mirror image of Spring Green. 
What you see depends on when you look. 
Beauty is the Mistress, the gardener her slave. 
One's "true self" is changing and elusive. 
A little of this and a little of that, and some exceptions - these are the facts. 
Does a plum tree with no fruit have Buddha Nature?  Whack! 

-   Pulling Onions by Mike Garofalo  (1,043 One Line Quips)  

 

Shit Happens

 Gardeners know all about bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

They might be lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, or have shit for brains;
but they shovel crappy compost shit for tasty beans anyway.

They know that some nights are colder than shit,
and some days are hotter than shit,
and other days are just plain shitty,
other crappy days get in the way,
but they step in the shit anyway.

Gardeners all throw composted crap
or sling shit, shoot the shit, occasionally catch some shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.

Now, I recommend, that You had better give a shit,
and get your shit together;
or you will find yourself in deep shit,
smelling like shit,
treated like shit,
and end up being shit out of luck.

I felt crappy today,
nobody gives a shit anyway;
we all have too damn much crap to do,
plus picking up the shit from our human zoo.

Once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else,
and you'll be has happy as a pig in shit;
if you don't know your crap, you'll be told to shit or get off the pot,
told that you don't know the difference between shit and shine'ola,
served shit on a shingle,
get a ripped off by a crappy deal,
told your ideas arn't worth a shit.

If you can't shit or pee
your in deep shit
dying from a shitty disease,
that won't scare the crap out of you.
Damnit! Damnit! Shit!

You can smoke some shit,
drink until your shit faced,
buy some more shit,
feel like shit,
look like shit,
and find yourself in a boat load or mountain of shit.

Crap! You can have too much shit,
not enough shit, the right shit,
the wrong shit,
or a lot of weird shit.

In summary: Shit Happens! Please!

Shoveling Some Compost Crap

Gardeners know all about bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
They might be lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, or have shit for brains;
but they shovel crappy compost shit for tasty beans anyway.

They know that some nights are colder than shit,
and some days are hotter than shit,
and other days are just plain shitty,
other crappy days get in the way,
but they step in the shit anyway.

Gardeners all throw composted crap
or sling shit, shoot the shit, occasionally catch some shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.

Now, I recommend, that You had better give a shit,
and get your shit together;
or you will find yourself in deep shit,
smelling like shit,
treated like shit,
and end up being shit out of luck.

I felt crappy today,
nobody gives a shit anyway;
we all have too damn much crap to do,
plus picking up the shit from our human zoo.

Once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else,
and you'll be has happy as a pig in shit;
if you don't know your crap, you'll be told to shit or get off the pot,
told that you don't know the difference between shit and shine'ola,
served shit on a shingle,
get a ripped off by a crappy deal,
told your ideas arn't worth a shit.

If you can't shit or pee
your in deep shit
dying from a shitty disease,
that won't scare the crap out of you.
Damnit! Damnit! Shit!

You can smoke some shit,
drink until your shit faced,
buy some more shit,
feel like shit,
look like shit,
and find yourself in a boat load or mountain of shit.

Crap! You can have too much shit,
not enough shit, the right shit,
the wrong shit,
or a lot of weird shit.

In summary: Shit Happens! Please!